


Fidelity

by thegrimshapeofyoursmile



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, BDSM, Bondage, Dom!Nathaniel, Dom!Velanna, Dom/sub, F/F, Fenris/Male Hawke - Freeform, Genderfluid!Anders, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rough Oral Sex, Slow Build, Sub!Anders, isabela/merrill - Freeform, nanders - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-03-24 20:50:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3783937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegrimshapeofyoursmile/pseuds/thegrimshapeofyoursmile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Anders had decided to not take shrinking violets, the only flowers Nathaniel was highly allerigc to, into the sortiment of his shop, they would have never met like this. As it is, he did - and Nathaniel discovers that Anders may be exactly what he needs, but the same can be said vice versa. /// Nanders that will eventually evolve into a BDSM relationship with all its highs and lows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Never Loved Nobody Fully

**Author's Note:**

> I started the prologue as a prompt fill on tumblr. When writing the piece, I already had vague ideas for a fic about a BDSM relationship of these two lurking in the back of my mind and now I decided to treat myself and finally write it. :D This will be a slow build since they have a lot of things to figure out before things get steamy and I don't like to rush forward for the sake of porn - though there will be porn enough in later chapters, be assured of that.  
> That warning said, enjoy! :D
> 
> P.S.: Title is taken from "Fidelity" by Regina Spektor, as are the chapter titles.

The flower shop beneath his apartment was going to be the death of him. 

There was not much that made Nathaniel Howe lose his temper, but it had been two months by now and he still had not been able to figure out which new flower made his nose swell and itch so badly that he had to sneeze all the time. 

He was fortunate to be quite wealthy, despite having lost his family possessions, because he had spent quite a fortune on buyng bouquet after bouquet. His apartment was full of non-allergic, beautiful flowers that did absolutely nothing to quell his sneeze. At least they were pretty and quite durable.

The shopkeeper was pretty as well. More often than not, Nathaniel wondered if he was as durable as his flowers. The blond already waited for him when he made his way into the shop, promptly sneezing after entering. “Still haven’t found it, have you?”

“No,” Nate said and blew his nose with as much dignity as he could muster. The shopkeeper who called himself Anders only laughed at him.

“Well, I guess you have to continue coming here until you found the one, huh?” he said and winked while handing him another bouquet. “Here. Made with love.”

Nate stared at the bouquet, then at Anders, before narrowing his eyes in rising suspicion. “Anders.”

“Yes?”

“You know which flower it is, don’t you?” he said calmly, gaze turning steely when Anders’ pale cheeks got a nice rosy shade. Somehow, Nathaniel found that he wasn’t, in fact, as mad as he should rightfully be after two months of absolute hell. Instead, he leaned over the counter and watched Anders from underneath carefully lowered eyes. “You have to make this up to me.”

“I, uhm, could give you a refund?” Anders tried nervously, breifly licking his lips. Nathaniel smirked in response; he had known that most of Anders’ bravado was only for show, which was exactly what he liked. 

“You have to go out with me,” he said, eyes never leaving Anders’ handsome, particular face to catch every change of his expression. “Tomorrow evening.”

“Well look who’s surprisingly free tomorrow evening!” Anders said, relaxing a little. It was adorable how easily he could be read. 

“I will come for you,” Nate answered in a particularly suggestive manner and showed him a smile while he turned around. This proved to be interesting. “You’ll get more instructions when I come back from work. Oh, and Anders?”

“Yes?”

“Take that damned flower out of your sortiment.”


	2. Always One Foot On The Ground

“I’ve got a date tonight,” Anders told Justice as he rushed past by him to dive head-first into his small, cramped bedroom in search of something suitable to wear. “Maker, I have nothing in my closet!”

“I think you’ve got enough clothes in your closet, Anders,” his flatmate remarked. Justice - whose real name actually was Kristoff, but nobody had called him that ever since Anders branded him with his nickname - was a tall, gaunt guy with a quite atrocious sense of fashion. Anders immediately decided that he was no help at all. “Is it a man or a woman?”

“It’s a guy!” Anders called back from the bedroom while he shifted through his clothes. A dress? A skirt? Pants would probably be better for the first date, but they usually made his legs look so skinny. “Do you think jeans give the impression that I didn’t care much? Shit, he’s probably gonna take me somewhere fancy, given the fact that he runs around in suits so much…”

“You do not possess the money for a fancy restaurant,” Justice said and walked into the bedroom, which made it even more cramped, but Anders did not mind much. “Jeans are a good, practical piece of clothing.”

“No jeans then,” Anders decided and fingered the hem of one of his favorite skirts before he let go of it. “I want to look like an elegant slut, not _practical_. This is so hard...I should’ve said no.”

“Maybe you feel better if you wear a corset underneath your shirt,” Justice suggested in a surprising moment of empathy. Anders’s mood instantly brightened and he smiled gratefully at his friend before he bit his lower lip and thought about it for a while. 

“I’m gonna take a shower first and shave, then I’ll decide,” he murmured after a moment, nodded to himself, patted Justice’s shoulder and Ser Pounce-a-lot, who was lurking on one of the lower book shelves and purring contently at the touch of his owner, before he vanished into the bathroom. Fortunately, the flat possessed two bathrooms, albeit small, so Anders had one for himself, which meant that all the shelves in there were full of his stuff. Make-up was strewn around amidst bobby pins and hair ties, lipsticks and brushes, bracelets, necklaces and rings; the chaos had a system, but as it was, it was a system that would have driven Justice mad had they been forced to share a bathroom. 

With a sigh, Anders dropped his shirt and pants as well as his underwear and pulled the bright, pink tie out of his hair before running a hand through it and entering the shower. The water was ice-cold in the first few seconds and he yelped, wishing it was the first time that quirk of the shower had surprised when in reality, it happened to him every time. Luckily, the water warmed up after several seconds and he was able to step underneath the spray. Grabbing his lemon-scented shampoo, he thought about the fact that his entire excitement was rather idiotic. This was not the first date he had ever had - but then again, it was the first date he had in quite a while, with a guy he had fancied for quite a while. Anders sighed and carefully massaged the shampoo into his hair before rinsing it out again before he turned off the water and massaged the conditioner into his hair as well. After a quick shave of his armpits and legs - not that he expected sex at the first date, not with a guy like Nathaniel, but one could never be too careful, not to mention the fact that it made him feel better about himself -, he turned on the water again and rinsed out the conditioner while also putting the shower gel to good use. 

Freshly showered and decidedly less hairy than before, he turned off the water for good and stepped out of the shower to dry himself off. Of course, he would not object to sex if Nathaniel offered it, but somehow he doubted that sex would happen so fast….if ever. Maybe he wouldn’t like him. Maybe that entire dinner was just revenge for the flowers. Maybe Anders wouldn’t get away with telling him how cute he was when he sneezed, his always so poised, composed demeanor shattered for the slightest of moments, even though that saying would be entirely the truth.

“This is ridiculous,” Anders murmured and looked at his reflection in the mirror for a brief moment, before he grabbed brush and hairdryer in an attempt to tame his hair. Fortunately, it tended to be soft and sleek and provided not much of a fight. When he was satisfied with its state, he turned to his razor and started to get rid of the stubble on his cheeks and chin. Having accomplished his mission, he wrapped the towel around his waist, sprayed deodorant all over his armpits just to make sure and wandered back into the bedroom. Justice had not left the room; instead, he sat in the only chair of the bedroom like a rigid puppet, looking up when Anders entered the room and gesturing towards the bed. Anders smiled when he discovered one of his favorite corsets to wear underneath clothes on it; its eggshell-white color was a little faded from age, but still fit around his body in an unbelievably comfortable fashion. 

“This is the best choice for your cause,” Justice declared and smiled thinly in satisfaction. “I will help you to put it on.”

“For all the pain in the ass you can be, you’re still an amazing friend,” Anders told him, quickly slid into a slip and then picked up the corset to wrap it around himself. “Can you pull up the laces?”

“My pleasure,” Justice said, got up, moved over to him and proceeded to pull the laces hard enough to squeeze all the air out of Anders’s poor lungs, only loosening it a fraction when Anders breathlessly told him to. He liked his corsets tight, but not too tight, especially not when he was about to have dinner with a gorgeous man where he was supposed to actually eat something. When he was used to the feeling again, he walked over to the closet and took out a dark green shirt to slide it over his shoulders. Buttoning it up, he looked into the mirror again and nodded a little. “The cream-colored ankle-long skirt would be perfect for this.”

“So put it on,” Justice said with the tone of someone who had never fully grasped the dimensions of social rules and the fact that Anders sometimes chose the path of the least resistance over the path he liked best.

“Not yet,” Anders told him with a half-smile and reached for dark-brown pants to pull them over his legs. They were dark, but not dark enough to make him look skinnier than he was and complimented the green shirt, which was a win-win situation. “This is ridiculous.”

“You want to look good for your date, as far as I know this is perfectly normal behavior,” Justice assured him and cocked his head a little. “Who is this man now? Where did you meet him?”

“He’s that guy who’s allergic to shrinking violets,” Anders answered absently and slid into his favorite black boots. After a moment of thought, he returned into the bathroom and put the golden hoop into his ear, touching him in fond remembrance of Karl for a moment, before he returned to Justice. “Would you bang me?”

“No,” Justice said with a shrug, “But that has nothing to do with your outfit. You look fine. More elegant than slutty, though, I might add.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Anders decided after a moment of deep thought and smiled at himself in the mirror before he grabbed the black coat with its black, feathery pauldrons to quickly slide into it. “Have you seen my wallet?”

“It’s here,” Justice pointed out and gestured towards the vanity bench at the end of the bed. With a quick word of thanks, Anders grabbed it together with his phone and put both items into his coat pocket. “You might not want to appear with flowers to your date, then.”

“‘Course he gets some flowers,” Anders said with a grin and a wink. “And he better likes it, else I’ll sulk.”

He was out of the apartment before he could hear Justice’s response.


	3. And By Protecting My Heart Truly

Anders was a few minutes too late, which did not surprise Nathaniel in the least. He tried not to be irritated by it; after all, five minutes of lateness usually were in the okay-frame. However,being not irritated proved to be quite hard when Anders neared the ten-minutes-mark. Nathaniel tapped his foot and resisted checking his watch. At least his nose had stopped itching so much after Anders had removed whatever flower had plagued Nathaniel’s poor immune system. 

Finally Anders dashed around the corner, being attractive enough to lessen Nathaniel’s irritation a little. When he smiled at him, Nathaniel was unable to not smile back. “I’m not too late, am I? I got you something.”

Nathaniel was about to tell him that yes, he was indeed too late, when a bouquet was trust into his hands. It was a pretty one, cominbing red cloves, orange tulips and buttercups in what looked like a handful of fire. Unable to help himself, he smiled and looked up. “Thank you. I got something for you as well.”

Anders’s eyes lit up when he handed him the single red rose he had quite thoughtfully picked for him. It was an exquisite exemplar of its kind, the best that had been available. He hoped it had been worth the money, but judging Anders’s smile, he had little doubt about that. “Flowers for a florist might be a little boring, but it is traditional.”

“I like it,” Anders assured him with a wink. “Now where are we going tonight?”

“It’s a surprise,” Nathaniel answered calmly and opened the front passenger door of his black Audi. Anders slid onto the seat with surprising grace; Nathaniel could not help but notice the natural-looking straightness of his posure that made the fine collarbones underneath white skin peeking out from where his shirt fell open so much more exquisite. “Fasten your seat belt,” he says, roughness in his voice he did not want to acknowledge, not yet. Instead, he moved over to the driver’s seat, slid in, closed the door and followed his own instruction after he had carefully placed the bouquet on the car’s floor behind his seat. 

The way was not very long. He had picked a small, cozy restaurant in a hidden corner of the city that he had found under rather odd circumstances he preferred not to think about. As it was, the restaurant was a perfect choice for a first date: pretty, but not fancy, not cheap, yet not expensive as well and with fantastic, fresh food. The wine was excellent too. Nathaniel found that he was rather looking forward to the evening and turned on the radio. Immediately Anders seemed to recognize the song that was being played and started humming to it, tapping his foot against the car’s floor. The guy did not seem to be able to hold still for even a second; Nathaniel thought about tightly knotted rope around his body to keep him from squirming around and bit the insides of his cheeks. 

“I’m not very good with surprises,” Anders told him after a moment; from the corner of his eyes, Nathaniel could see his fellow passenger turn his head towards him. “Can’t you at least tell me the district?”

“Patience is a virtue,” Nathaniel answered and relapsed in comfortable silence - comfortable for him, that was, because Anders made a sulking sound and squirmed around until he was able to place his rose next to the bouquet - an action he could have made before the engine had been started, but no. Apparently a sharp noise of irritation had escaped his throat because Anders flinched and turned his head towards him. Exhaling slowly, Nathaniel calmly told him, “Don’t do things like that while the car you’re sitting in is in motion. Someday that might kill you.”

Anders laughed at that, but at least he sat down properly again. “I’ve done far more dangerous things in my life than that and I’m still alive.”

“Oh? What dangerous things?” Nathaniel inquired curiously and briefly glanced over to him before concentrating on the street again. Driving was one of his favorite things in the world; something about steering a powerful vehicle through the streets, powerful enough to kill someone, but actively deciding to play by the rules and not do it, pleased him greatly. The hands he gripped the steering wheel with were utterly calm. 

“Once I accidentally blew up a barn,” Anders said after a moment and grinned a little. “I was drunk and smoking in the hay. That wasn’t such a good idea, but to be fair, I was pretty young back then, thirteen or fourteen or something.”

“You started smoking early then,” Nathaniel remarked, even though that really was not the point of the story. He parked in front of the restaurant and turned off the engine before getting out of the car, walking around it and opening Anders’s door for him. Anders blinked a little at him in apparent surprise, then he grinned and took the hand that was offered to him to get up and out of the car. 

“You’re a real gentleman. And yeah, but I haven’t smoked ever since that day, so that’s worth something at least. - Oh, this is nice!” Anders’s exclaimed upon laying eyes on the restaurant’s stony facade that was covered in wild ivy. Small, white lights lit up the entrance of the restaurant, otherwise it remained blissfully unromantic. “I wouldn’t have expected that from you, to be honest.”

“What did you expect from me, then?” Nathaniel asked in honest curiosity while he led his handsome date into the etablissement. After quietly mentioning his surname to the waiter, they were led to a table in a little alcove; it was perfect for an uninterrupted evening. Nathaniel smiled at how well everything came together. 

“I don’t know, something more...pricey,” Anders admitted and sat down onto the chair Nathaniel offered him with a quiet thank. “Something modern, with sleek forms and monochrome interieur, that kind of stuff.”

“I do like simple, modern design,” Nathaniel allowed and smiled a little, “But this is a good place for a first date - good food, people, but not too much people, a pleasant service, and the ambiente is nice, but not too corny.”

“Got everything planned out, huh?” Anders said and laughed a little, laughing even more when Nathaniel nodded especially solemnly. “Well, I do like it. Well done, Nate. Are you related to Lord Howe? I heard your surname when you told it to the waiter.”

Nathaniel kept himself from stiffening, exhaling slowly instead to collect himself. After this slight pause, he very calmly asked, “Yes. He was my father.”

“Ouch,” Anders said and grimaced. Nathaniel gripped the menu a little harder and slowly exhaled again, forcing his concentration onto the list of soups. “Let’s drop that topic again, then. I should’ve told you before that I have this fascinating talent for putting my foot in my mouth at every possibility - that is, my friends call it that, I call it my terrifying charm and openness to bring joy into the heart of others.” 

Surprisingly enough, Nathaniel was able to smile at that, albeit thinly. “Your friends seem to be the more reliable source in that matter, I think.” He shook his head and turned the menu page. “It’s alright. Anders is a strange name as well.”

“Yeah,” Anders agreed with a small smile, “At first it was a nickname the staff at the boarding school gave me, but over time it….kind of grew on me. It’s gender neutral, for one instance, so there’s that. I barely remember my birth name anymore. Doesn’t matter, anyway.”

“You prefer a gender neutral name?” Nathaniel asked and looked up when the waiter discreetly came to their table. After ordering their food, he left again and Nathaniel turned his attention back to Anders, who look a little sheepish now.

“I guess,” he said with a small shrug, “I don’t necessarily define myself within the limits of two genders.”

Nathaniel took a sip of water at that surprising turn of events, pondering over the new information for a moment. “I shouldn’t use male pronouns then?”, he finally asked, which seemed to be the right question because Anders’s entire demeanour positively lit up.

“Oh no, that’s alright, it doesn’t bother me,” he reassured him with a smile that reached up to his eyes. “If there’s a day I don’t feel comfortable with it, I’ll tell you anyway. But thank you for asking, that’s….kind of important.”  
“You’re welcome,” Nathaniel said and decided that this evening was about to go well.


	4. I Got Lost In The Sounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So celebrate the Nanders week of the Anders Romance Positivity Festival on tumblr, have a new chapter :D Sorry for the long delay orz

“-and then he brought me home and kissed me on my cheek,” Anders finished his story and felt said cheek go warm at the fond remembrance of the look in Nathaniel’s eyes when he had asked him, with that quiet, rough voice, if he could kiss him. Asked him! About such a small thing! Somehow, that had been quite arousing. 

Merrill squealed. She was a nuisance sometimes, especially since she had the tendency to smear blood onto every available surface whenever she stung herself on the roses while working - and she stung herself awfully often since she was the clumsiest elf Anders had ever met -, but she was grateful audience. Also, the shop belonged to her, so Anders was not in the right position to complain. “So cute!”

“It’s not _cute_ , Merrill,” Anders said and rolled his eyes, even though it kind of was cute, especially since he had the feeling that Nathaniel would hate to hear his actions being called cute. “Anyways, we met for lunch again two days later and today we’re having coffee after work.”

“Is he going to pick you up from work?” Merrill asked excitedly and clapped her small little hands like an over-enthusiastic chihuaha. Anders could understand why people called her adorable; she really was, if she wasn’t busy with fucking things up. “Oh, can I see him then?”

“Well, he said he’d pick me up,” Anders said thoughtfully and tapped his chin. He was wearing a navy-blue, ankle-long swing skirt today, together with that pretty white blouse Isabela had bought him for his birthday some years ago; over it, he had tied the dark-green apron that was required for working with flowers that sometimes tended to have a lot of pollen. It probably was quick to show a man like Nathaniel this side of him, but if there was to be a future in between sheets - and Anders desperately hoped that would be the case -, he had to make sure that Nathaniel was comfortable with this. “How do I look?”

“I love your necklace,” Merrill chirped and tapped against the necklace made of steely daisies roped together by a fine chain. “And I love how you tied up your hair - it looks so messy, but also, you know, artful… I never know how to get my hair to look like that.”

“It’s too short for that,” Anders told her and shook his head. “You need to let it grow a little more for a perfect messy bun. Maker, I wish he would just do me.”

“You’re rather desperate,” Merrill cheerfully told him, which was rather unfair since her girlfriend was Isabela. With a partner like Isabela, one certainly never was underfucked. Anders stared long and hard at her to make sure that she knew her comment had not been appreciated, but she didn’t really notice; typical.  
“Who is desperate?” Hawke bellowed und burst into the flower shop as if Merrill’s words had been his cue to appear. As always, his absolutely annoying boyfriend followed him in tow; if only Fenris hadn’t been so pretty. Anders did not like super annoying pretty people. As usual, Fenris and Anders silently stared at each other until Hawke interrupted the moment by throwing himself between them to squeeze the air out of Anders’s lungs with one of his bear hugs. Not that he complained; the more of his perfume he was able to get onto Hawke, the more pissed off Fenris would be. He smiled winningly at the elf over Hawke’s broad shoulder and watched him break one of the roses with twitching elf ears and an equally winning smile. Bastard. 

“Anders is,” Merrill cheerfully pointed out and then had the unnecessary urged to add, “He wants to be banged by that lawyer Nathaniel who regularly stops by.”

“Child!” Hawke bellowed and patted his back, “I am so proud of you, Daddy was worried sick about you and your non-existent sex life!”

“I am not your child, Hawke, this is embarrassing,” Anders said and tried to squirm his way out of Hawke’s paws riddled with daddy issues. “And I am pretty sure that there are more pathetic things in life than my sex life. Fenris, for example.”

Fenris lifted one of those perfect, dark brows, but otherwise did nothing. Anders narrowed his eyes in suspicion. Fenris smiled grimly and crossed his arms over his perfect chest.Damn him, damn that hipster beanie and damn those tattoos for making him look like the most handsome hobo of the hood. He and his hipstery look where the perfect match for Hawke’s lumberjack aestethics. It was disgusting. 

“Stop being mean to your brother, Anders,” Hawke said with a broad grin and patted his head. “Now who is this Nathaniel?”

“You know I’m supposed to work here? And Merrill too?” Anders asked and placed his hands onto his hips. “He’s a guy, and he’s nice, and I want to bang him.”

“I am pleased to hear that,” Nathaniel said dryly from the doorstep, inducing what could be the most embarrassing moment in Anders’s life. It didn’t help that he wore a suit again, his collar impeccable, his tie - blood-red today; Anders rather liked the spot of color on him - as straight as a tie could be. Anders wanted to see that tie wrapped around his throat while Nathaniel banged him from behind. He swallowed and tried to smile. 

“Hi! This is, uh-”

“Family,” Hawke said and towered over poor Nathaniel like a motherly bear protecting her cubs. Fortunately, Nathaniel did not seem overly impressed by Anders’s idiotic friends. “Your beard is tiny, but impeccable. This is a good sign. You’re allowed to go out with Anders.”

“I am pleased to hear that,” Nathaniel repeated and his voice managed to sound even dryer than before. “Anders, it’s exactly four PM.”

“Right!” Anders hastily said and made quick work of the knot in his apron before he tossed it over towards Merrill. He could feel slight tension when he moved forward from behind the counter and Nathaniel could fully see him for the first time that day. A slight twitch of Nathaniel’s lips was all the visible reaction he got before a hand was extended towards him. With a deep exhale, he took it. Nathaniel’s hands were surprisingly rough and calloused, almost as if he had worked on the fields for every day of his life. Anders liked it. “Alright!”, he said a little louder to catch everyone’s attention. “We’re going now.”

“Have fun, Anders!” Merrill called behind him. Nathaniel pulled him out of the shop before he could hear what Hawke had to say. Trailing after him along the street - he decided not to ask where they were heading today; so far, Nathaniel had made quite good decisions for their date locations -, he tightened his grip around Nathaniel’s hand a little. “Did you mean it?”

“Mean what?” Nathaniel asked and returned his light squeeze for a moment.

“That you’re pleased to hear that I want to bang you,” Anders said and grinned a little. Nathaniel turned his head and silently studied his face for a moment, which might have been one of the most uncomfortable date moments Anders had ever had.

“Yes,” Nathaniel finally said with the same quiet, rough voice he had used when he had asked Anders for a kiss. “But I think there are a few things you should know about me before. Let’s go to the café, then I’ll explain.”


	5. I Hear In My Mind

Anders’s outfit was spectacular. To see him in a skirt had been so surprising in the first moment that his facial expression had almost slipped and revealed his fascination. Even now, he had to look at him; the blouse Anders wore was made from fabric fine enough to tenderly stroke his upper body like a lover; Nathaniel wanted to brush it with its fingertips.

Instead, he sat down across Anders on the tiny table in the café he had led them to. It was a busy place bustling with people blabbering about their lifes, bursting with colors that mostly came from the thousands of glass baubles hanging from the ceiling that drew countless circles in every possible shade of green, blue, red, orange and yellow onto every available surface whenever a ray of sunshine hit them. And sunshine was pouring in enough through the wide, opened double windows that were doors at the same time, leading to a terrace Nathaniel specifically had not chosen as their sitting place because he wanted to enjoy the fairy lights playing over Anders’s body. 

“This is a beautiful place,” Anders told him with a big smile on his face, his long, thin fingers chasing the colored spots of light on the table. “I’ve been here before, but I would have never guessed that you know it, to be honest.”

“It’s one of my sister Delilah’s favorite cafés,” Nathaniel answered, watching Anders’s fingers brushing over the smooth surface of the table. “It reminded me of you. And they serve excellent coffee. And I am allowed to smoke a pipe inside, which is something I am going to do now, if it is alright with you.”

“Kinky,” Anders promptly said and winked at him. Nathaniel smiled thinly at the irony, took the remark as an allowance and took the cherrywood pipe out of its case resting in Nathaniel’s suitcase. Packing it only took a few moments, lighting it even less; with a content sigh, he sank back into the comfortable armchair and took a drag. Anders leaned forward and watched him with gleaming eyes before he said, “I have never seen a person under seventy years smoke a pipe before.”

“There’s always a first time for everything,” Nathaniel calmly replied and ordered an espresso when the waitress, a pretty, blonde thing, came around. When Anders asked for a caramel latte macchiato, he smiled a little because it was so...fitting. 

“Speaking of which, let’s talk about sex,” Anders said with a charming grin; Nathaniel, surprised by his bluntness even though he probably should have expected it, lowered his pipe for a moment to stare at him. After a moment, Anders lowered his gaze onto the table and brushed over its surface again, but his voice carried the same jovial tone as before when he continued, “I mean you told me there were things I should probably know about you. You can’t say stuff like that and then be all mysterious pipe smoker, that’s not really fair, you know. Especially when you look so hot doing it.”

“You’re right,” Nathaniel agreed after another moment and waited until Anders lifted his head to look at him before he slowly continued, “I am very interested in you, but I...usually don’t do...that is…” It had been a while since he had to explain his sexual preference and it showed. With a sigh, Nathaniel decided to be as blunt as Anders. “I am a Dom. Exclusively.”

Anders blinked and shifted a little. The fabric of his skirt rustled against his skin like dry leaves. “Oh,” he said, “Okay.”

The man tested his patience. Nathaniel bit the end of the pipe until he had found his balance again to calmly repeat, “Okay? That’s it?”

“Okay, I am...okay with that?” There was, however, slight insecurity in Anders’s face. “I mean I am not a virgin, I’ve already tried some kinky stuff, so… What are we talking about here, exactly?”

Their coffee arrived and provided a small break. Nathaniel had not realized how tight his grip around the pipe had been until he laid it into the ashtray to reach for his espresso. Anders was already stirring his and watched him with keen eyes, but Nathaniel consciously took his time, as well as a sip of his espresso before he continued, “I tend to be rather focused about my...partners.”

“Focused,” Anders repeated and cocked his head. Clever boy, Nathaniel thought and hid a smile behind the cup. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I tend to be exclusive about my partners,” he answered, holding Anders’s gaze. “It can be quite time-consuming to...be with me. I usually don’t have sex outside of sessions, though that can be negotiated at a certain point and sessions take their time because I like to be creative. Not to mention the aftercare.”

Anders blinked, then he surprised Nathaniel once more by openly laughing so hard that he snorted into the milk foam of his latte macchiato, almost choking on the stuff until he regained his balance again. “Maker, Nate,” he said when he could breathe again, “You’re talking about being a big, bad Dom, but you can’t openly say that you’d rather have a relationship than a fuck buddy system?”

“That’s not what it is,” Nathaniel muttered angrily, trying to smooth his face that was contorted in irritation about Anders’s annoyance. 

“Totally is,” Anders pointed out and laughed again before he leaned over and lightly touched the back of Nathaniel’s hand for a moment. There was something vulnerable in his gaze for a moment, something that caused Nathaniel to relax underneath that strangely familiar touch. “Which is...I haven’t been in a lot of relationships so far and none of them has been like what you’re trying to suggest. Explain more.”

“Well,” Nathaniel said quietly and covered Anders’s pale hand with his own, tracing light patterns over its back. “I want to take you to bed and then break you apart. I want to see every inch of you, every freckle, every possible scar, every fear and every secret wish. I want to explore everything and then turn you back together again, piece upon piece, to make you feel as well as I will feel.”

Anders looked at him with wide eyes, searching something in his face with slightly hitching breath. “Are there rules?” he said, quieter than he had ever been before.

Nathaniel smiled, lifted his hand and pressed a kiss against his knuckles. “Where I am concerned,” he murmured, “There are always rules.”


	6. All These Voices

Usually, Anders was not a big fan of rules. His fingers tapped nervously against the smooth surface of the wooden table. It was amazing how Nathaniel managed to be half in the shadows in a room full of color. He was smoking his pipe again in a more relaxed position than ever. Anders imagined him with loose collar and his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Biting his lower lip, he shifted his weight a little. “What kind of rules are there?”

“For one, I expect utter honesty,” Nathaniel answered while looking at Anders’s tapping fingers. Feeling self-conscious, Anders forced them to lay still; it did not really work out. A small smile tugged on Nathaniel’s lips before he continued, “Never lie to me, that would just be stupid. I can deal with unpleasant remarks and I can deal with unfortunate situations that might occur, but we can only figure stuff like that out if we’re telling the truth to each other. It is important for us to be honest with each other in order to trust each other. You can expect absolute honesty from me in return.”

“There are things I don’t like to speak of,” Ander said and cocked his head. “What about that?”

“I won’t pressure you into telling me those things, but I’d recommend that you tell me if there’s something that is important for the….thing we might have.” Nathaniel shifted his position ever so slightly and leaned a little over towards him. There were orange and blue spots of light ghosting over his skin. “This is especially important when it comes to bedroom-related things. Other than that…” He smiled thinly, but not in an unkind way. “There are things I don’t like to speak of, either. That’s fine.”

“Do I get dates?” Anders blurted out and immediately felt himself redden a little when Nathaniel cocked his eyebrow, so he rushed on, “I don’t like just being a….just being a playmate that only comes over for, you know. Sessions.”

“I thought so,” Nathaniel said. He quietly smoked his pipe for a while, which caused Anders to start tapping against the table surface again in quiet anxiety. It seemed like hours until Nathaniel decided to speak again. “What you described was what I had so far. I like that system because it is...in many ways more suitable for me.”

“Oh,” Anders said. Taking a sip of his coffee did not help making the churned, weird feeling in his stomach any better.

“I can try something else with you, but that’s as new for me as it is for you,” Nathaniel continued, locking his gaze with Anders’s. “Don’t expect me to be as satisfying in that area as I am in bed. But to answer your original question: Yes, you will get dates.”

“Oh,” Anders said again, but this time he was grinning stupidly, hugging the mug with both his hands. “I won’t judge you, I promise. Does that mean I’ll have to call you Master?”

Nathaniel’s eyes darkened. “Only if you want to.”

“I don’t,” Anders said and for a moment he was worried that his answer had been given too quickly. Then again, Nathaniel had told him to be honest and so he was. Still, he could not resist rubbing his cheek in slight embarrassment. 

Nathaniel watched him attentively, eyes still glinting. “What else don’t you like?”

“Are we talking about bedroom kinks now? We are talking about bedroom kinks now,” Anders answered his own question after Nathaniel had nodded with a little smile. “Scat. Watersports. All that stuff. That’s just - nah. I’ve been in medical school for too long for that.”

Nathaniel nodded. “That’s alright, I share that sentiment with you. What else should we avoid?”

Anders shrugged, then he paused and said, “No blindfolds.”

That got him a scrutinizing look. “Blindfolds can be fun,” Nathaniel said slowly, “Are you open to negotions concerning this? Maybe at a later point?”

“No,” Anders said. The thought alone made his skin crawl and he shrugged to lose the unpleasant feeling. Thankfully, that seemed to be enough because Nathaniel just nodded and did not try to persuade him any further. Motivated by this, Anders cleared his throat and continued, “I uh, only did some light bondage so far. I don’t know how I feel about more than that.”

“Bondage and everything that comes with it is one of my favorite things to do,” Nathaniel admitted and slowly smoked his pipe. “I can be very good at starting slowly and then building it up, if you’re ready to do that. What about pain?”

“I can handle pain,” Anders said.

Nathaniel smirked. “I think you don’t understand the point. I am not asking you whether you could handle it. I am asking you whether you enjoy it. That’s two different things.”

Anders paused for a moment to think about it and reflect over all the sex he had had so far. There had been times where his partner had not been very kind, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. There had been several rough tumbles where he had woken up covered in bruises and scratches, and the ache coming from these things had indeed been enjoyable. “I...am not sure. I like...being breathless.” 

That was the first time he heard Nathaniel making a quiet, rumbling noise that had Anders’s full attention. However, Nathaniel quickly regained his composure and cleared his throat before he asked, “Breathplay, then? Good. What about wax? Needles? Whipping?” 

Anders squinted a little. For a moment he wondered about what the hell was wrong with his standards. “I don’t mind wax and I’ve never tried needles, but I’m open to that - I can still say no, right? Whipping is...I’ll let you try it. Will there be a safeword?”

“Of course,” Nathaniel said and sounded almost offended at the mere idea of not having one. “I like to go with the rather popular color system, to be honest - green for good, yellow for wanting to slow things down or being not sure about something and red for an immediate stop, but I’m open for suggestions.”

“No, that’s alright,” Anders responded with a shrug and flinched a little in surprise when Nathaniel put away the pipe to cover Anders’s hand with one of his own. His touch was surprisingly gentle.

“You can always say no, Anders,” he said quietly and with a graveness that was astonishingly high even for him. “This only works if we both want it. You don’t even have to decide now. We can, you know, ease into the thing without touching that aspect first, get to know each other a little better before. How would you like that?”

Anders took a deep breath, then carefully tangled their fingers together. “I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”


	7. I Hear In My Mind

“A shem?” Velanna asked and shook her head before she handed Nathaniel his phone back after she had looked at the photo of Anders her friend had shown her. Velanna was a beautiful woman - slim, blonde and with a wicked mind. They had tried, once, but ultimately it had ended in a desaster. Both of them were too dominant, too strong, too unwilling to yield. Perhaps there was strength in yielding, Nathaniel mused, but both he and Velanna had never been able to use that strength. “Well, he’s not my type.”

The human male that was kneeling to her feet made a quiet noise, so she absently stroked his red hair and allowed him to rest his head against her knee that was poking out from underneath her tight, dark-green dress hugging her body like a second skin. “You know I like to see humans serve me, pet, it’s not because of that,” she told him and then shrugged, looking back to Nathaniel. “He’s too skinny for my taste, but whatever suits you. As long as it’s no elf.”

“He’s far from being an elf,” Nathaniel assured her and hesitated for a second before he added, “I haven’t taken him home with me, yet.”

“What!” Velanna exclaimed and stared at him as if he had suddenly grown two more heads. “You had, what? Three dates already?”

“Five,” Nathaniel corrected her and cleared his throat to make up for his tone that had sounded harsher than he intended. “So?”

“And you haven’t taken him home to play yet?” Velanna snorted and lit a cigarette. “What is this, some sort of celibacy? Have you taken him to the hotel, at least?”

“I plan to skip that,” Nathaniel responded. His nostrils twitched at the unwelcome smell of cigarette smoke. Velanna noticed the reaction, grinned and nudged her sub with one foot until he obediently held one palm upwards. After she ashed into it, she patted his head again and raised an eyebrow at Nathaniel until he elaborated further, “I don’t think that’s something Anders would appreciate, not in the context of me not wanting to take him home with me. As part of roleplay, perhaps, but I want to establish a base first before roleplaying with him.”

For the first time that day, Velanna really looked at him, her big, green eyes narrowed in suspicion before she cocked her head. “Do you plan on something more fixated than usual with him?”

“Perhaps,” Nathaniel allowed after a time and smiled thinly. “Even though he drives me up the wall sometimes, I do rather enjoy spending time with him. It doesn’t hurt that he looks lovely in a corset. I have to admit, I was...planning on taking him home with me this Friday. Show him around a little. Take him to bed to test the waters.”  
“Well,” Velanna said and grinned a little. “Whatever you do - show him around here someday. I do quite miss your performances at our little parties.”

////

“Lots of steel and blank surfaces,” Anders said as he left Nathaniel’s car. His hair was tied into a sloppy, golden bun in his neck today and Nathaniel stared at it as he lifted Anders’s bag and followed him to the door of the apartment complex he lived in. A dark-blue underbreast corsage accentuated the black blouse underneath it, as well as the black pants that made his legs look impossibly slim. The dark-blue high heels made him impossibly tall; Nathaniel found that he rather liked it. 

Fishing for his keys, he answered, “There’s not a lot of steel in my apartment, Anders.”

“Damn it, I could’ve sworn there was,” Anders said with a sigh and followed him into the complex, stopping when Nathaniel led him to the elevator. “I don’t….I don’t like elevators, Nate. I’ll take the stairs.”

“How bad is it?” Nathaniel gently inquired and looked right into Anders’s face. He had used a bit of golden eyeshadow, just enough for some golden glitter; it was quite attractive. After some careful consideration, Nathaniel lifted a hand and gently rested it against Anders’s cheek, stroking the corner of Anders’s right eye with the pad of his thumb. Anders looked at him with wide eyes and slightly opened his lips. Nathaniel resisted the urge to slip his thumb between them and instead asked, “If it’s just a bit of discomfort, would you try for me?”

“What would happen if I said no?” Anders asked in return and then slightly turned his head into Nathaniel’s hand. 

“Then we would take the stairs, it’s not that far up,” Nathaniel answered calmly and smiled thinly at Anders’s surprise. “What did you think would happen? That I’d spank you for being afraid of something?”

Anders said nothing. He just bit his lip for a moment, before he visibly swallowed and said, “Okay. Let’s take the elevator. You gotta hold me close, though.”

“I will,” Nathaniel promised roughly. As soon as they had entered the elevator, Nathaniel spun Anders into his arms, ignored his surprised squeak, slammed the button for the right floor and then proceeded to press his lips against Anders’s. With a small sigh, Anders’s lips parted for him and then parted even more when Nathaniel’s tongue slid between them. Anders was not entirely relaxed in his arms; there was a slight stiffness in his shoulders, but he wrapped his arms around his neck and leaned a little more against Nathaniel. It was that moment that Nathaniel discovered how thin Anders was; he was not muscular, more sinewy,and when Nathaniel splayed his fingers between his shoulderblades, he could feel the bones. Anders’s lips were slightly chapped, but sweet and he returned the kiss eagerly. When it ended because the elevator came to a halt, he looked a little disoriented, but smiled when Nathaniel placed a kiss against his temple. “That wasn’t too bad, was it?”

“No, it wasn’t. You’re a damn good kisser, Mr. Howe,” Anders purred and let himself get gently pulled out of the elevator, right into Nathaniel’s apartment. While hanging up their jackets, Nathaniel watched him explore the living room. “Your living space is so disgustingly normal, Nate, where is the room of pain?”

“There is no room of pain. Even if I didn’t think that this description is absolutely ridiculous - this is an apartment, not a house, I have to think pragmatically,” Nate answered with a quiet laughter and sauntered over to him. “But almost every furniture can be turned into some playground.” He liked the way Anders’s eyes lit up with excitement and sat down onto the couch right at the center of the room. 

Anders hesitated for a second. “So should I go look for it?”

“No,” Nate answered with a soft smile, “We’ll explore the playground together. For now, I’d like you to come here. Come to me.”


	8. All Of These Words

There was a glint in Nathaniel’s eyes that made Anders swallow in a mixture of nervousness and utterly gleeful anticipation. When he did not move for another moment, Nate ever so slightly cocked his head and tapped against his own right knee. “Come here, Anders.”

“What if I don’t want to?” Anders heard himself say and his heart jumped at his own boldness. Nate’s eyes narrowed for only a fraction before his lips turned into a thin line, but that glint never left his eyes. Anders swallowed again, this time with absolute excitement. “Maybe I’d rather go explore your apartment instead.”

“Anders,” Nathaniel said evenly, “Sit down. Don’t make me come and get you.”

Anders considered those words carefully for a moment, then he grinned, turned on his heels and opened the door to the next room. It was the kitchen; for a while, Anders’s hand smoothed over the cool, dark surface of the counters before he looked out of the window. Grass stretched out underneath it and there was an old couple sitting on a bench at the sideline. There really was no way he could get out of the kitchen except for the way he came in and Anders was in the process of considering theft from Nathaniel by looking into his fridge and probably eating something of the contents when his arm was grabbed. With a squeak, he whirled around and found his face smashed against Nate’s chest - which really was not so bad because Nate’s chest was lovely; Anders proceeded to rub his nose against the patches of dark hair there. 

“That doesn’t get you anywhere,” Nathaniel said softly, but his grip was firm as he dragged Anders out of the kitchen. It was not really dragging, however: Nathaniel merely strode forward and tugged on Anders’s arms until he stumbled after him. “I warned you, didn’t I?”

“Yes,” Anders breathlessly agreed. Out of pure spite, he still struggled against the grip around his wrist, with the only result that said grip tightened even further. “Are you gonna spank me now?”

There was no answer. Instead, Nate opened another door and pulled him through. Apparently, they were in the bedroom - Anders was only able to take a quick look around before he was shoved onto the bedroom and Nathaniel let go of him. Feeling a bit disoriented, Anders sat up and watched him settle comfortably on the cushioned settee in front of the bed. “What now? Are you going to stare at me from over there the whole night long?”

“No,” Nathaniel said with a small smile, reached under himself and opened the wooden drawer embedded into the settee. Swallowing thickly, Anders watched him position a black riding crop over his lap before Nathaniel carefully closed the drawer again and looked at him. “Undress. Just the heels...and the pants. And don’t test my patience again.”

“What if I do?” Anders asked and grinned a little, yelping in surprise when the leather tongue at the riding crop flicked against his upper arm hard enough to sting. Nathaniel did not smile, but he watched him intently in what was concentration rather than hostility. Withering underneath his gaze, Anders briefly licked his lips before he slid out of the heels. Nate’s lips quirked into a small smile; the leather tongue of the riding crop gently licked at his exposed ankle. 

“Go on,” he murmured, so Anders, deciding to make a show out of it, slowly unbuttoned his pants before he wound himself out of them in the longest, most seducing way that was possible. His breath hitched when the riding crop gently nudged its way underneath the black lace his slip was made from and he barely registered spreading his legs a little more. Nathaniel, however, seemed to notice it just alright and he set the riding crop aside to fetch a long, red rope from the settee drawer. 

Anders swallowed and hesitated for a moment, but then he blurted out, “What are you going to do?”

Nathaniel watched him carefully for a moment. “I usually do not like to share my plans,” he said at last, “But I’ll do so in our first playtimes to set up more trust - which means that I would have explained it to you anyways. I am going to tie you up and then tease you until you beg me for release. That is the short summary, anyways.” His lips quirked into a quick smile again; Anders tried to sneak a hand between his own legs and got a flick with the riding crop for it. “Since this is a bit of punishment, it won’t be entirely pleasant for you. What’s your color?”

“Col--oh! It’s green,” Anders said after a slight pause and blinked a little when Nathaniel gently guided him into a kneeling position on the bed. When Nathaniel spread his legs until they were open wide, a small sound of anticipation escaped him that caused Nathaniel to smirk. However, the only thing his lover did was lifting Anders’s arms over his head as wide as possible before he carefully tied his hands together. When he stood up, Anders craned his neck to watch him secure the other end of the rope on a hook in the ceiling. “Are you going to spank me now?”

“You’re very eager to be spanked,” Nathaniel said with raised eyebrows, “Which is why I won’t spank you unless you decide to not cooperate again. Until then…” Anders made a noise of surprise when he suddenly was kissed and instinctively tried to wrap his arms around Nathaniel’s neck, which only caused him to jerk against the rope. Breathing in this situation would have been easy even with the corset still tightly wound around his body, were it not for the fact that Nate was kissing the life out of him, teeth briefly sinking into Anders’s lower lip and biting hard enough to draw some blood. Additionally, he could feel the strain placed upon his arms more and more with every passing moment and subtly tried to shift his weight into his legs. Nathaniel was surprisingly gentle as his hands caressed Anders’s arms, fingertips sliding over the fabric of the corset before he carefully unbuttoned the first few buttons of the blouse underneath the corset. 

“Can you-” Anders began, but was quickly silenced with another bruising kiss that left him dizzy and breathless.

“I’ll have to consider gagging you,” Nathaniel murmured and Anders’s breath hitched in his throat when fingernails grazed over one of his nipples. “On the other hand, I like to hear the noises I can drag out of you.”

And really, Anders was beautiful like that, muscles in his thighs trembling with the strain, his lips so very eagerly returning the kisses Nathaniel thrusted upon him, trying to make Anders realize how very much he liked seeing him, how very much he enjoyed the situation. Something Nathaniel had never been able to do properly was dirty talk; he used his words sparingly and seldom for praise because it proved to be more difficult to voice - mostly playful - threats. Anders, however, did not seem to mind the physical attention he was given instead because he moaned all the same, producing more noise every following moment. When Nathaniel let go of him, he positively whined, and the sound went straight into his groin.

It was still too early to do all the things Nathaniel wanted to do with him. If he wanted this to last, if he wanted this to have a chance, he had to be patient and slow, taking one step after another instead of completely overwhelming Anders. So he did his best to not exploit Anders’ obvious eagerness and instead only quietly enjoyed it while he ignored his raging hard-on for the moment as he sunk his teeth into Anders’ pale shoulder and marked him. Anders’ breath deliciously hitched in his throat and he made a small noise when Nathaniel wrapped a hand around his lovely throat, just so and without any pressure. But he could have added pressure and his lover would not have been able to do anything to prevent him from doing so, and Anders knew; they both knew, which made it exciting enough on its own. For the moment, it was enough; as a small reward, Nathaniel kissed the biting mark before he let go of him. He massaged Anders’ strained arms for a while, enjoying the way Anders’ entire body tried to get more contact with him, before he loosened the bonds, slowly lowering Anders’ arms and massaging them all the way to prevent him from pins and needles.

“Please,” Anders said softly, breathing hard, and Nathaniel looked at him, met his intense gaze. Everything about Anders was intense – he was able to completely lose himself in the moment, which was enchanting and fascinating and made Nathaniel want him even more. He almost did not realize he had shoved Anders backwards into the cushions until he had him underneath himself, whining and panting like a bitch in heat. “Please, Nate, I need – fuck, let me suck you off?”

“Yes,” Nathaniel answered, surprised at how rough his voice sounded. He forced himself to breathe in a controlled, even way as he unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his pants. “Hands above your head, Anders. You may only touch me with your hands when I allow it. Alright?”

“Yes,” Anders said and nodded frantically, hands above his head in a second, but they twitched nervously and gripped the cushion in sheer want. Nathaniel breathed in deeply again, surprised at his own, raw want. There was something about the man underneath him that caused him to impatiently shove down his own pants in a quite erratic manner, something he would have to think about later; now the only important thing was to guide his own cock into Anders’ waiting mouth. His lover moaned appreciatively as he pushed the head of his cock between his lips without preamble; Anders had no blowjob lips per se, but they felt wonderful all the same, as did the velvety warmth of his mouth. His eyelids slid shut as Nathaniel thrusted forward, gripping the heading section of the bed for more stabilization so that he could control the speed and force with which he claimed Anders’ mouth.

He tried to be slow, but that proved to be more difficult than he had anticipated because even though Anders did not lift his hands from their position, he moved his head forward, greedily swallowing Nathaniel’s cock until he almost choked on it. Nathaniel could hear himself growl, an animalistic sound that caused Anders’ body to shudder, and he shuddered even more when Nathaniel all but slammed his cock into the throat that was so responding, so eagerly, shoved it in until his balls slapped against Anders’ chin with every thrust. His fair-haired lover choked even more, fingers scrambling against the cushions, but not once did he knock to stop their moment, not once did his face contort his pain. Instead, there was an almost blissful expression on his face, even more so when Nathaniel allowed him with a low voice to grip his thighs for support and Anders was able to dig his fingers into Nathaniel’s thighs, gripping them with surprising strength. Nathaniel could feel himself succumb to the moment, and once more he slammed his cock deeply into Anders’ throat before he came, causing Anders to choke even more. Still, Nathaniel patiently fed him all of his seed, rocking into him in gentle motions until Anders had swallowed it all. Only then he slid out of his mouth, smiling indulgently when Anders whined, lips red and puffy and used.

“How are you feeling?” he asked while he gently massaged Anders’ sore throat with slow, evenly circular motions. Anders seemed to enjoy the attention because he turned into Nathaniel’s hands, eyes still closed, but he was smiling lightly. He had come somewhere during sucking Nathaniel’s cock, come visily splattered against the insides of his thighs and his, and it was flattering enough that Nathaniel let it pass without a comment.

“Good,” he croaked and Nathaniel felt a twinge of pride at the rawness of his well-fucked throat , so he spontaneously leaned down and placed a small kiss against his lover’s lips. “I’m getting up to fetch a towel and some warm water,” he murmured while doing so, “I’ll be back in some minutes. Think you can be on your own for a while?” When Anders nodded, he patted his head. “Good boy.”

He made sure that Anders was laying comfortably before he got out of the bed, wandering into the bathroom to fetch a towel and a bowl full of warm water as he had promised, as well as an additional bottle of cold water for Anders to drink and a bar of chocolate in case he was hungry. As always, he felt the intense need for a shower, but he forced himself to take care of Anders first before taking care of his own need. When Nathaniel came back to the bed, Anders was curled up against Nathaniel’s cushion, looking at him with surprise in his sleepy eyes as Nathaniel sat down on the edge of the bed, stripped him out of the corset for good and proceeded to gently wipe him clean in a meticulous, precise fashion. He tentatively reached for Nathaniel’s free hand and Nathaniel found himself twitching for a moment before he took a deep breath and indulged Anders by entwining their fingers. “Drink,” he said, and Anders took the bottle of water from him to take several deep swallows as Nathaniel watched the lovely movements of his surely sore throat. “Eat,” he said, softer this time, and Anders leaned forward and ate a piece of chocolate out of Nathaniel’s open hand, eyes closing in contentment as he slowly chewed. Nathaniel left the bar of chocolate next to him and put the blanket over his form before he got up. “I’m going to take a shower. You can stay here, of course. Sleep, eat, or drink – it’s all good. I’ll be back soon.”

Thoughts always came to him when he was in the shower, furiously scrubbing his body to get it perfectly clean again. They were always accompanied by doubts, wistfulness, and fears; this time, he tried to not let them get the better of him.


	9. I Hear In My Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small warning for this chapter: Anders has a bit of a panic attack. 
> 
> Enjoy!

When Anders woke up, “he” did not feel right in their mind and there was nobody beside them. Their second thought was that “they” did not feel right, either. The morning usually was a time where all pronouns did not sit right until Anders had woken up a little more. With a sigh, Anders stretched a little, curling up the toes in the process before sitting up with a yawn. 

Nathaniel was sitting in the armchair next to the bed. He proved to be a living cliché by sitting there cross-legged, a newspaper in his hands and a cup of tea on the small table beside him. When Anders made enough noise to let him know that they were awake, Nathaniel folded the newspaper in half with quick, precise movements to send a quick smile in their direction, which was the moment Anders realised that today seemed to be a "she"-day.

“Good morning,” he said and it was rather sad, really, how much this simple greeting caused Anders’ heart to flutter, especially when Nathaniel continued, “I didn’t want you to wake up alone, but unfortunately it seems as if you tend to sleep longer than me, so I made some breakfast in the meantime.”

“You really know the way to a girl’s heart,” Anders said with a happy sigh. One of Nathaniel’s eyebrows quickly shot up before he smoothed his face into what Anders now knew as not a sourly, but a rather neutral expression when it came to Nathaniel.

“Well, I am happy to please this girl, at least,” he answered and this time, Anders’ heart did not flutter – it bounced like a caged bird that happily fluttered with its wings. “I hope you like pancakes, they should still be warm by now.”

“I am in heaven,” Anders thought aloud and watched with rapid fascination as a quick, warm smile spread over Nathaniel’s face before he placed the folded newspaper next to the cup of tea and got up from the armchair.

“Stay in bed, I’ll be back in a minute,” he told Anders before he left the room, most likely to walk into the kitchen. With another sigh, Anders decided to get up, which she did by swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. On bare feet she padded into the bathroom where she caught herself in the mirror and slowed down. Her lips were lightly swollen and not overly, yet still visibly bruised; when she gently touched them with her fingertips, they felt sensitive enough for her to leave them alone. For a moment full of hot-white panic settling deep in her belly, those bruises were in no way erotic, but ghosts of the past blooming on her face again, reminding her of fists colliding with her bones. There was another bruise underneath her collarbone; she had not even noticed that Nathaniel had touched her there. Her throat was tight with the same thing that caused her hands to tremble This was nothing to her, merely an old acquaintance that usually haunted her at night, whispered in her ear that she would never be good enough, that she would never get free of this.

Anders took a deep, deep breath, then another. Closed her eyes and thought of cats. Gripped the edge of the bathroom sink hard, hard enough for the coldness of the porcelain to sink into her skin. Took another deep breath and forced herself to relax her shoulders.

“Anders.” She jumped at the voice and mentally chided herself for it, but found that she was unable to move or turn around. What would be there if she turned around? Maybe she had dreamed the entire night before. Maybe she had dreamed the last years as well. Maybe she had never left the boarding school at all and still moved through its long-winded, empty hallways full of silent eyes and silent ears, prickling with fear. 

“Anders, I am going to put a blanket around your shoulders now. Nod if that is alright.” There the calm voice was again. Anders concentrated on it, clung to it, then she nodded, once and abruptly. Only moments later the warm weigh of a blanket settled over her shoulders and she found that her next deep breath was already easier than the one before. “I am going to take your hand and lead you out into the bedroom again, is that okay?”

“I am fine,” she forced out. Maybe there even was a smile on her lips, even if she could not remember smiling with intention; she had always been good at faking it. “I’m just….”  
“Not fine,” Nathaniel finished for her after she left her sentence unfinished for several moments. “Allow me to take you back to the bedroom, please. Or do you want to stay here?”

“I want to sit down.”

For a moment, Anders though that he was going to protest, but then he just let out the tiniest of sighs and helped her down into a sitting position on the soft carpet, settling down right in front of her while she huddled herself deeper into the blanket with a shudder. “Do you want me to…hug you?”

His invitation for a hug sounded so awkward and unpracticed that she could not help but twitch her lips at that. Something inside her unfurled a little more, gave her more room to breathe, and she nodded, closing her eyes when Nathaniel pulled her a little stiffly, yet with obvious concern into his arms. “Can you tell me something?”

“What do you want to hear?”

“Just…something. What are your plans for today?”

“Well, I took the day off so that I could spend at least the bigger part of it with you,” Nathaniel said. Anders tucked his head underneath his chin and listened to the steady beat of his heart. “I thought that maybe we could go for a walk later and we could have lunch somewhere in downtown. Unfortunately, I even have work to do on days I take off, so I have to busy myself with that in the afternoon.”

“What are you working on right now?”

“Are you sure you want to hear this? I am convinced that you’ll find details of my work utterly boring.”

“Please.”

“Alright. Well, there is this one case of a man that allegedly killed his wife and two children by shooting them three times each, one bullet in the chest, one bullet in the stomach and one bullet in the head. I haven’t started to sort through the data and I only have two days left, so I really have to get that one done today.”

Anders lifted her head to stare at him. “Why on earth would you think that I could find this boring? That’s pretty grim, though.”

“I like it, though.”

“Why?”

Nathaniel was silent for a while, but his eyes lingered for a long, long while on her lips before he looked up. “Seeing these people reminds me of what I never want to become. It reminds me…that I do not want to…” For a moment, he seemed at a loss for words, carefully touching a strand of Anders’ hair while he was lost in thoughts before he spoke again. “It reminds me that I do not want to lose control, ever. And I hope that I haven’t lost it yesterday. You seemed fine before you fell asleep, but now I-”

“Oh, God, no,” Anders said without thinking and curved a hand around Nathaniel’s sharp cheekbone. “I was just…I was not prepared for how it looked and I was…thrown back into a rather unpleasant time of my life.” She smiled helplessly when Nathaniel’s gaze turned sharp enough to slice through metal. “I should have probably told you before.”

“Yes, absolutely,” Nathaniel agreed, his voice as sharp as his gaze, which caused Anders to worry a little before he made a deep sigh and touched her hair again in that quick, strangely intimate gesture. “I cannot give you the proper aftercare if you talk to me about everything without ever mentioning the important bits.”

“I’m fine-“

“You’re not, and I want to know why. You don’t have to go into detail, just…Okay, let’s try it this way. Have you been fine when I brought you to bed yesterday?”

“Yes, and the sex was lovely. I liked how you touched me. I want you to do it again.” She found herself gently stroking Nathaniel’s chest, breathing in and out in tune with the rise and fall of his chest. “Makes me all wet just thinking of it,” she murmured and could hear him breathe in sharply before he slowly exhaled again.

“No sex talk during serious conversations, Anders. So, the bruises caused you to…relapse. Maybe we should leave them out the next time, then.  
”  
Anders considered that suggestion, particularly only because she knew that Nathaniel wanted her to think about suggestions like this one carefully before she made a decision. “No,” she finally said and looked up at him to meet his gaze. “I like them because I know that they’re from you. I just…I just wasn’t prepared, it was stupid, really stupid – stuff like that, it happens sometimes, sometimes my mind is not in the right place – I don’t know, maybe I’m just not – please, I can do better. Just you see. I can – I can really do better, I just wasn’t prepared-“

“Anders, you’re crying. That is not a really good look on you,” he said and Anders realized that she sometimes really did not like his brutal honesty when it was directed at her. It was hard to stay mad at him, however, when he awkwardly dabbed at Anders’ wet cheeks with the hem of his shirt. Anders wondered if Nathaniel had ever needed to dab someone else’s tears away, with the hem of his shirt, while sitting on a bathroom rug. Probably not; at the moment, Anders found it hard to imagine a person that was a bigger train wreck than her. It was only a matter of time until Nathaniel would grow tired, just like everyone else had so far. There was a reason why her few relationships never lasted longer than a few months, the longest one a year – though admittedly Karl had only left her because he had had to.

“Sorry,” she said, because it was the truth and because she did not know what else she could have said. Nathaniel was silent at that. When she looked up, he met her gaze evenly and then nodded, just once and just for the tiniest bit, before he dabbed at her cheeks again. 

“Breakfast now,” he said calmly and stroked her cheek. “Everything’s going to be fine. I promise.”

Somehow, she found herself wanting to believe him.


End file.
